“Teresa wake up”. I felt my arm being shaken. This must be a bad dream.
“Teresa WAKE UP”. I felt a thump to my arm.
“T, WAKE UP”. I opened one eye.
In the distance, I could hear something beeping. Oh CRAP, one of my alarms or my mobile has gone off and I’ve really annoyed Jacky. I leapt out of bed and started to go through the bags.
“No T-Bag, there’s a FIRE ALARM”. I reappeared from the depths of my bag and glanced at a clock. 12.30 a.m. I’d been asleep for just an hour and a half. Before I could say something along the lines of ‘oh for Pete’s sake’ Jacky had opened the door and confirmed that the door to the fire escape was open. We had to go outside. Quickly making ourselves decent, we stopped momentarily and looked at each other. “Do I look alright?” Even in the midst of a fire crisis we were worrying about what we looked like. Once in the car park we were two of only 5 people to appear. A fellow rider appeared armed with the Times crossword – he clearly thought we’d be there a while. Looking up at our hotel, all the room lights were on, but there was no movement. And then the alarm switched off. Back up to the room we trooped.
The hotel porter had burned a Croque Monsieur. How very dare he.
What was supposed to be a nice 6 hours sleep, was reduced to around 3. Nobody had slept very well. Down at breakfast the looks on people’s faces ranged from stunned, to pooped to ‘what fire alarm?’
Once the dazed and confused all had breakfasts and many a double espresso, we were picked up by bus and taken to the school gym that had stored all our bikes over night. Tyres pumped up, water bottles filled and bananas in our back pockets, we headed on our way.
It was going to be a long ride to lunch – 80 miles with 1600 metres of climbing. The sun was once again beating down on us – it was going to be a hot ride. Once again people in villages came out to clap us along. In one village we managed to have a sheep decide to run between us. Highly dangerous as said sheep was then chased by a sheep dog. Thankfully there were no falls, but it kept us on our toes.
Again, the scenery was beautiful and the hills challenged. We went past corn fields, fields full of sunflowers and fields full of some sort of blue flower (and it wasn’t lavender) – we still haven’t worked out what that flower was. Quite a few times we commented that the fields alongside of the road were like something out of a Monet scene. At the top of the hills we shared jelly-babies and Haribo, and at stops to fill up our water bottles mini water fights broke out. Water splashed at heads and backs, light relief to the relentless heat.
Eventually we came to the big climb of the day. I got myself into the middle and went up, and again I loved it. What next? Mount Ventoux? Maybe not. Yet. The best thing about getting to the top of this climb? We knew we were now well on our way to lunch. The descent of this hill was fun. Sally and I managed to sing all 6ish verses and choruses of Bohemian Rhapsody whilst doing 55kph down a hill, with only a slight pause when we debated whether we’d missed a verse out before ‘I’m a little silhouetto of a man…’. Other people joined in. You do talk and sing some crap when out cycling.
The elation didn’t last very long. After a while the mood became low, as everyone really wanted lunch to be round the next corner. Bellies hungry, bottoms hurting we just wanted to get to lunch.
Eventually one of the outriders stopped on a roundabout, and he indicated just to go round to the left whilst using the universal sign of pinched fingers to lips (food). Lunch was here!
As we arrived, we discovered that we had just 15 minutes for lunch, again. I dumped my bike went straight in to find food. Lunch today was to be a tuna/mayo baguette, a chocolate éclair, more ambrosia creamed rice and a banana. I also grabbed a bottle of water to top up my bottles and anyone else’s should they want some.
Sally joined me and we plonked ourselves down into the shade. As bottoms hit the ground, I noticed that tears were rolling down her face. I quickly administered some chocolate éclair. She rapidly looked a much better colour. In the distance, I could hear Jacky sobbing. Will Carling and friends were looking after her fetching food and water. Her sugar levels had also dropped too low.
I was a bit sick of Kellogg’s Elevenses by day three, but that morning I’d eaten two of them, at least one banana and half a bag of jelly babies. Yes piggy I know. I hate talking about the body in the third person – it’s not an alien being, we’re in charge of it, but it is so important not to underestimate how much fuel your body needs on these rides.
Food consumed and bottles topped up, we were told it was time to leave. The final journey into Paris was going to take a slightly different format, in that all 350ish of us were going to roll into Paris as one big group. What is more, all the ladies were to cycle at the front. Of the 350ish riders, I’d say just 30 of us were women – that’s not even 10%.
We were led out by all the outriders, and surrounded by support vehicles for the last miles into Paris. Heading into Paris, it was a busy Saturday afternoon – that was clear by the amount of traffic heading in the opposite direction. Even though we were riding on closed roads, which would have meant a huge number of inconvenienced people, no one seemed to mind. First we were on little roads, and then onto dual carriageways into Paris. All the cars stopped, local buses held at bus stops and people held at zebra crossings. They all smiled, clapped and cheered us on. At one point there was a wedding convoy heading in the other direction, white ribbons and flowers attached to their cars. They all beeped their horn, stood through sun roofs and waved. People sat in cafés on the side of the street, stood up and took photos and videos on their mobiles and clapped.
Eventually we arrived at the Place de la Concord, where the cobbles started. After spending over 20 hours in the saddle, all I’ll say is that cobbles hurt. Wrists, elbows, hips and shoulders all rattled, but somehow it didn’t matter. The people down the side of the road continued to cheer. This continued down the Champs Élysées.
We then hit the Arc D’Triomph. All the traffic, people and motor, had been cleared. The open top buses pushed to one side. Everyone was egging us on, taking photos and shouting.
I suddenly experienced the most surreal sensation. It was 32ºC, and due to the exertion from that morning and riding in to Paris, I felt like a perspiring mess. But my skin felt cold. Goosebumps.
Before I knew it, we were all over the bridge, onto smooth tarmac roads once more, and past the Eiffel Tower. Then all of a sudden we were at the finish line. Parents, friends and family all waiting for us it was suddenly all over.
Two glasses of champagne each later, Jacky and I struggled to make the card key for our hotel room work. One strop and a pissed walk to reception to sort it later, we were in our room jumping up and down on the beds, delirious with happiness. It is amazing how it is the most basic of emotions that make the biggest impact on your life.
The Gala evening followed, more shared stories, speeches, the first viewing of a rough edit of our event film, and then it was time to roll out to the pub. More booze was consumed. Rumour has it, one of the more famous teams cycling the L2P, raced down the Champs Élysées on hired Vélibs.
Rather worse for wear at 4am, we rolled back to the hotel, the L2P experience as good as over. I didn’t feel particularly perky the next morning so thank you Jacky, for actually going to breakfast and delivering suffering, little old me, still in bed, breakfast wrapped in a napkin (2 croissants and a cheese baguette) from the hotel breakfast buffet.
A spot of sightseeing, a little lunch and I was on the Eurostar home.
Back in London, sat on my sofa, devouring take away pizza, admiring my tan lines I couldn’t believe it was all over. On the Tuesday morning as I cycled to work (in the drizzle) all I could think was that I would much rather be back in France pretending to be on Le Tour.
Will I be doing it again? You try and stop me.